44. Becoming Her

“rest is not a luxury for the fortunate few. It is a requirement for all of us”

Today I celebrate God allowing me to see another year.

Today I turn 44.

This birthday hit differently than any before it. As I look back at pictures of the bright-eyed, joyous, silly young woman I was, I find myself yearning to return to her, while simultaneously being deeply grateful for the wisdom, growth, and quiet peace that has slowly become me. I sit back with a smile knowing there is a place for it all. And that I am becoming her.

To gain, you must first let go.

In these past few years I have experienced insurmountable loss. The loss of a child. The loss of identity. The loss of my sense of safety. Complex grief that spiraled me into a darkness I did not see coming and could not perform my way out of.

But in that dark place, God showed me light. He began to restore what was lost, my identity, my sense of safety, my capacity for joy. And somewhere in that restoration, I found the question that is now guiding this entire year:

What can I put down so I can pick up the life I truly want?

This is my Year of Living Lighter. And on my 44th birthday, I am releasing three things that have been quietly weighing me down.

1. Performing

So much of how our society is designed leads us to believe that our worth is determined by how well we perform. It puts us in a constant state of proving ourselves, measuring worthiness by output and outcomes rather than by simply being.

I was reminded of this recently in my devotional, reading Matthew 4:3 — where the enemy tests Jesus and says: "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." He was challenging Jesus to perform. To prove himself. But what Jesus knew, and what I am learning, is that we do not have to perform to be who we are. We just have to be who we are.

That distinction changed something in me. I am done performing my worth. I know who I am.

2. Not Resting

Hustle culture, productivity culture, capitalism, systems designed for production, have made rest something to be ashamed of. Something you cannot afford if you want to get ahead. And that constant state of going leads to one place: stress, burnout, deteriorated mental health, and physical illness.

I am done with that equation.

I go to bed at 9:30pm now. Not because I have given up, but because I understand something I did not before: rest is not a luxury for the fortunate few. It is a requirement for all of us.

Even after six days of creating the entire world, God rested on the seventh. Even Jesus, after performing miracles, would frequently retreat for rest and prayer. The blueprint has always been there. Somewhere along the way we were sold a different equation. And in the end, we became the casualty.

I am choosing rest. Unapologetically.

3. Trying to Do It Alone

When society measures your worth by your output, it quietly programs you to believe that you must produce that output alone. That asking for help means you are not capable. That needing others is weakness.

But no one was placed on this earth to carry it alone.

When I had nothing left in me, I had to turn to God for strength. I had to turn to friends and family to help carry the weight. And I want to be clear: that was not weakness. It took genuine wisdom and courage to seek help when I needed it most. Community is everything. And the individualism we have been sold is costing us more than we know.

I am letting go of the lie that I have to do this alone.

As I step into 44, I am choosing to release intentionally, joyfully, and with full faith every thought, every system, and every weight that no longer serves my greater good. Making space. Trusting what fills it.

Because that is what this year is about.

What are you letting go of in this season of your life?

packlight,

Candii